It is now Dec 26 in the morning but yesterday I want to record my version and memory of what happened. I am staying in a hotel because my wife and I had been fighting and she got very drunk and smashed a door down where I was trying to get away from the rage episode and she has done this before as far as trying to smash down the door and just screaming all kinds of terrible things like that she is going to all her homies to come beat me up (different occasion but still) and so well I used to go and walk when we would get into a heated argument and it was clearly not heading in a beneficial direction plus I just panic and can’t handle it. I grew up with a mom yelling at me all the time and I would just hide in my room for weeks at a time terrified. Anyways thats the past but I try my best not to fight but it happens so quickly.
ANYWAYS so yesterday I went over to help my wife set up the quail cages so they can be left longer term and she is planning on going to Mexico. Besides that my only plan for Christmas was to see a friend and meet their new partner, because I just cant handle being around people who don’t support me right now. I’ll get my advice from a therapist not from everyone who has an opinion. I got into it with my friend John.
So we decide to eat breakfast together which was very nice and then we go back to the house so I can help out then go see the friends. Well I am inside waiting for Abril to come in so we can work on this together. I’m waiting 20 mins and check on her and she’s taking out trash, then I check a bit later and she’s planting plants. I told her I am in there whenever she is ready because I cant push it or make her feel pressured or it will be a fight. So I wait and wait.
This causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel like my time is the least important to her or not at all. We really haven’t spent time together in like a week and that is extremely rare in the 14 years we have been together, but she is sweeping and just doing random things rather than work with me or at least spend time with me. I’m all anxious and ask if we can cuddle for 5 mins before we work (to help me calm down). I literally wait 30 mins at least, getting up to go to the bathroom once. When I ask if we are still going to cuddle she tells me yeah but you were in there doing something. She has been doing random stuff this whole time and I just went to the bathroom. So I just lay in bed and wait and its another 15 20 mins before she lays down to “cuddle” which was her putting her head on my back for a second and then she did put her arm around me for less than 3 minutes. I mentioned something and she said “well I didn’t now we were timing it” but im not timing anything I just know how long I’ve been waiting to cuddle and it seemed like it was over in a heartbeat.
I know my wife is not the most physically affectionate person but once in a while we should make sacrifices for the others happiness and well being. I think so.
A lot of these thingsis have been going on for a long time but I’m trying to focus on this event. So her little brother calls and she eventually tells me he well be here in like 10 mins. I do not want to see him. I have felt judged by him for many many years even though I was his legal guardian and kept him from being sent to Mexico but to be fair he did not ask me to. But for example one time he let the paramedics in to come and check on me and they ended up leaving but her little brother never even came and asked how I am doing so I don’t feel comfortable around him and im especially sensitive.
So my wife walks me back to my hotel which was awesome, I really enjoyed the time with her. She came in for a while for a shot of whiskey and then got picked up.
My friends came over for a while and sometime after they left my wife called. I, somewhat sarcastically and somewhat horny “are you coming over?” she asks if I have alcohol. No I don’t. She says she would do anything, is dying to just lay down and watch a movie with me plus her dog ate her dinner. I’m like I have food for you and you’re more than welcome to come over for a while. She says “we shouldn’t push it” even though we spent time in much more stressful environments most of the day. Then she asks If The Grinch Stole Christmas was on TV. I kinda lied and said yes its starting whenever you get here but then I was just like yeah I downloaded it come over and I wont say a word we will just enjoy each others company. She told me she would let me know.
So she almost came over due to the movie, she would have came over for the alcohol, she will tolerate me in the day in the house of chaos trying to accomplish things but she thinks its pushing it to lay down while were both sleepy and watch a movie on Christmas together.
I think it would be a really good thing for us to have sex and hinted at it but she wasn’t interested as far as I can tell and I can’t take the rejection. Plus the night before the whole door smashing thing we were arguing and I said that she yells at me constantly and we never have sex and she said with sarcasm, “oh yea cause you’re sooooooo sexy”. That fucking stripped all my self esteem and totally meshed with the way she would act when the idea of intimacy would “come up” and I don’t know how to handle that. She is my wife together 14 years married 3. And yeah she never got back to let me know if she is coming or not which is fucked up cause I went out of my way looking things up downloading the movie and she cant do me the curtesy of letting me know I called several times and she didn’t answer. Kick in the gut again.
Does my wife ever think about how her actions affect me?